Posted by Lydia
My ex-fiancé Curtis Yarvin has announced that we are no longer engaged. We have not spoken directly to each other in a little while. I don’t know much about what or how he is doing, and I don’t speak for him. I can say the following about myself:
Yes, I am pregnant. The circumstances of our child’s conception were that Curtis suggested that we have a child together, and shortly after we started trying he proposed marriage. I obviously accepted on both counts, even though these were very rapid escalations of a relationship that had already broken up twice, and that had started less than six months previously, as many pointed out at the time and are continuing to point out. We really did love and admire each other, and I know we will both be good parents to our son, though I wish the circumstances were better, and will admit that I occasionally feel confused about why I made certain decisions or engaged in certain behaviors.
This is the most I will say publicly about our child and his conception. Please, I know that people will say what they will say about me and Curtis, but I am truly begging you, please leave our child out of it.
A lot of opinions and snark have been aimed at both me and Curtis from both sides of the political spectrum. I expected some of this in advance, but was unprepared for the intensity of it. To the people who made claims, memes, etc. that insulted one or both of us, I can only say that (while obviously the drama is primarily our own fault) these tactics were more effective at making matters worse than I would have expected. Anyway, I’m sure Curtis and I are now both in enough pain that the most malicious onlooker will be satisfied.
I am grateful for the friendships I made on the New Right (or whatever we’re calling this community now) and have no intention of making trouble for anyone. To be honest, I have almost no appetite for online warfare. Maybe I’m too much of a deontologist, I don’t know. When I published my book about pickup artists a decade ago, I had the option to dox Roissy/Heartiste, who I considered basically the worst of the PUA world, at the time. I didn’t do it. I could not bring myself to do it, because I don’t think outing people or violating their privacy is an okay tactic even if I vastly disagree with the person.
At any rate, as I’ve said many times, at this point I actually agree with a bunch of stuff on the New Right, and will likely end up writing about at greater length someday. The reason I got into that sphere in the first place was that I think there are important truths there, and I hope to be part of building a durable peace across both political sides for my country and community. I don’t know yet what comes next or what resources I will have to make this happen. My old career in media and technology has probably been more or less destroyed by my associations with Curtis and the rest of the New Right. I am lucky that I already went through the trouble of setting up my own media organization before all of this went down, and I truly hope to serve truth and beauty and love and peace in my future work. If this sounds like the right thing for me to want then maybe you will pray for me, or hold me in the light in whatever ways work for you.
There are a lot of spiritual sources that speak of the importance of not holding too tightly to one’s reputation. I have been bad at this, so maybe something like these events had to happen. I don’t know. I care about my reputation, and what’s happened to it lately has been difficult and painful. I am also very tired from the pregnancy. If you are my friend and have been reaching out, then I am sorry for the delays in my responses; I promise, I’m not snubbing you personally.
Here is a poem by Khalil Gibran that I found myself re-reading yesterday. It’s called “Defeat,” and while I can’t say this is where I’m at right now, maybe I will get there eventually.
Defeat, my Defeat, my solitude and my aloofness;
You are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs,
And sweeter to my heart than all world-glory.
Defeat, my Defeat, my self-knowledge and my defiance,
Through you I know that I am yet young and swift of foot
And not to be trapped by withering laurels.
And in you I have found aloneness
And the joy of being shunned and scorned.
Defeat, my Defeat, my shining sword and shield,
In your eyes I have read
That to be enthroned is to be enslaved,
And to be understood is to be leveled down,
And to be grasped is but to reach one’s fullness
And like a ripe fruit to fall and be consumed.
Defeat, my Defeat, my bold companion,
You shall hear my songs and my cries and my silences,
And none but you shall speak to me of the beating of wings,
And urging of seas,
And of mountains that burn in the night,
And you alone shall climb my steep and rocky soul.
Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage,
You and I shall laugh together with the storm,
And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us,
And we shall stand in the sun with a will,
And we shall be dangerous.